My reasons for becoming a lap dancer were unlike those of my co-workers, but the reason I gave it up was the same: No, it was soul-destroying. I had always yearned to belong.
I had been rejected by girls at school, I just wasn't "cool", and, despite doing well academically, I ended up in a series of low-paid menial jobs.
Struggling financially and looking for a change, I took a leap of faith and auditioned to be a lap dancer. Any doubts I'd had disappeared when I went on stage and felt like a superstar. I conditioned myself to think that removing my clothes was a sacrifice worth making to feel special.
That's what I was told. Also, like many trying to escape the poverty of the minimum wage, I wanted to make enough to pay off my debts. And I wanted to lead an exciting life. It soon became clear that the reality wasn't glamorous.
Competition between the women was fierce, the atmosphere bitchy and sometimes openly hostile. The management didn't care about anyone, only the money brought in. They booked many more dancers than were needed, in order, they said, to "provide choice". And we had to pay for the "privilege" of performing, regardless of earnings.
Some dancers pushed the boundaries, prostituting themselves, and the club turned a blind eye. Many of the women were young, shy and still finding their feet in life. Then there were those in their 30s, some with university degrees, who came in because they said that was the only way they could pay the mortgage.
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Some of my colleagues had drug problems, many suffered from mental health issues such as depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem or disorders associated with past abuse. These were vulnerable people who stripped to survive. We clung to the idea that women have been making sacrifices for the greater good of their families for centuries, to keep everything together.
But really, how many women would even contemplate going into lap dancing if there was a real choice of other well-paid jobs available to them, with flexible working hours? In the last year, the only businesses that seem to be recruiting are cheap food outlets and lap dancing clubs.
As Rachel Cooke reports in Observer Woman, the number Naked girl on girl lap dance venues has doubled from in to in And with 40 pubs shutting down every week, it seems that some of those which remain are turning to "gentlemen's evenings", with striptease, in the hope of attracting extra customers. A law designed to regulate clubs is passing through parliament, but is fatally flawed by an amendment letting councils choose whether or not to use it.
Make no mistake, stripping is and always has been demeaning to women.
If it was an act of self-expression, women would strip for free. It is about getting paid in return for sacrificing your dignity. This doesn't reflect well on men, either. Some of those who frequented the clubs I worked in were obnoxious, and we'd calm them by acting submissive.
Some claimed their wives "didn't understand them".
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Some feigned friendship, trying to "save" us and performing a surprised "what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? I distanced myself from them all, protected by a permanent fake smile. In order to make money, I acted dim-witted. I had to dodge the gropes, pinching and slaps even though, officially, there was no touching allowed.
I felt the stress. I constantly had to say "no" to propositions of sex. Once, as a "joke", a customer pinched my nipple and twisted so hard I nearly passed out. It bled, but the management's reaction was: Many of the men who turned up claimed they couldn't get women to like them, so they came to us.
I was given to understand that my job was to provide a service, especially for those with disabilities, because otherwise they could not easily obtain female attention.
I wondered about this. Wouldn't it do more harm to know that we don't care about them? Isn't a real emotional bond with women far more important? And as I heard and read stories about women feeling empowered by performing in these clubs, I questioned just what part of this job was building me up as a woman.
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In the eyes of management, the women in these clubs are replaceable and worthless. While some of those I worked with were cruel, like the girls at my school, I also met other "outsiders".
We had conversations about wanting a happy home with kids, loving partners and a job where more mattered than just the way we looked, where we could be respected. I learned not to trust men, and it took a long time before I could let one near me. This environment drives men and women apart, making us see one another in terms of the sex object versus the wallet.
When I finally escaped, I missed the camaraderie.
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I also found that whenever I mentioned my former job I got judged and ridiculed. But I told the truth because I felt that young women today should know the reality Naked girl on girl lap dance lap dancing rather than the absurdities that some men peddle to seduce them into working there.
Of course, if women really want to dance naked for money, then they need to be treated with respect, with the same rights and conditions as showgirls - not as pieces of "meat", forced to objectify themselves because that's what they are brainwashed and bullied into doing when they are at their most vulnerable.
Organisations such as the Fawcett Society and Object have called for lap dancing clubs to be licensed as sex encounter establishments in the same way as sex shops and peep shows.
This is the right response. That is what they are. Then at least women choosing to become lap dancers would be entering the industry with their eyes wide open.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Because of my experiences in lap dancing I got to know the real strength and compassion of women, and realised that I'm not that "different" after all.
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